I can't. I'm allergic.

2009-06-23T12:25:00.004-04:00

I have this thing about books. I have to finish them. Even if I hate them. I trap myself in books. I love books, but in the last year I've managed to end up in a few situations where I was deliberately turning reading into work.

I don't know where that obsession comes from. It definitely is an obsession, since the idea of not finishing a book gives me the same sense as believing I have left the garage door open or a curling iron plugged in.

And yet, in the last six months, I've deliberately not finished at least four books. Here goes -

The Life and Opinions Tristram Shandy, Gentleman by Laurence Sterne
Why I started reading the book:
I only started reading it so I could see the movie. Which is ridiculous. More often than not, I would actually much rather see the movie first and then read the book. Crazy, I know. But I find that movies don't actually influence my experience that deeply. And I have a hard time remembering plot (seriously) if more than a week goes by after I've read a book (seriously) so I spend most of the movie going "Wait. Do I remember what happens?"
Why I stopped reading the book:
Samuel Johnnson's review: "Nothing odd will do long." Tedious.
Why I tell myself it's okay:
I'll read it someday, right?

Iris Murdoch: A Life - The Authorized Biography by Peter Conradi
Why I started reading it:
It's possible Iris Murdoch is my favorite writer. I read one of her books - and only one - every year. It's a special thing.
Why I stopped reading it:
I think sometimes biographers forget they are also writing books. And spending 100+ pages addressing the geneology and the god-awful boring family history of an interesting person really isn't fair, no matter how long it took you to come up with that information or how much the subject told you that's what is really important. Congratulations you know how to use archives. Nobody needs to know that shit.
Why I tell myself it's okay:
The book also kept giving away plot points for Murdoch's novels. Also, authorized is, like, the death knell for a biography.

Oh man. I just got sassy.

The Formation of a Persecuting Society: Power and Deviance in Western Europe by R. I. Moore
Why I started:
I basically read this book through excerpts in college. Also, I have kind of a thing for R. I. Moore. That guy just doesn't care what rabbles he rouses.
Why I stopped:
Um, I basically read this book through excerpts in college. Some medieval history books are just better read that way. The garage door stays open.

The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay by Michael Chabon
Why I started:
I liked The Final Solution. And all you people everywhere keep talking about this book.
Why I stopped:
Well. It's complicated. Controversy time - I wasn't loving this book, you guys.
It is very realistically possible that my lack of love for narrative in improv might be born from a lack of love for long narrative in all storytelling. (Note: It also might be possible that by the time that revelation gets read by a certain someone, I will be single again.) Gah. But more importantly, my living situation called for the sudden and dramatic throwing away of much of my material possessions and this book might have accidentally been tossed out in the purge. Accidentally. I swear.
Why I tell myself it's okay:
Because, like, I don't have the book anymore.

I'm also still stuck on the Book of Genesis, Chapter One of some American Government book that I started looking at one night and, like, book one of the Iliad.

This whole entry feels incredibly indulgent. Oh well.

Danger

2009-06-10T22:37:00.005-04:00

Today I almost got run over by a Haz-mat emergency truck.

I didn't even realize they had emergency trucks.

Apparently they do, and one zipped passed the intersection of Lafayette and Great Jones as I was coming out of work. I shouldn't say zipped. I should say was moving pretty quickly but I was listening to "My Life" by Billy Joel and that made me feel bold so I ran for it.

Things I had learned about myself in the thirty second period on either end of the near-miss:

If I were stuck on a desert island and I could only listen to one artist and I was assigned that artist and it was Billy Joel, I would be cool with that. You're probably wondering why I was assigned an artist and I didn't pick one. Well, the thing is, see, that I was in the Office of Desert Islands for about forty-five minutes going through their collection when I realized they should just pick for me and I'd be fine with whatever. I usually am.

If I wasn't already going to title my autobiography Sorry...So sorry...Sorry I'm Here (per Robber Baron), I would probably call it Fine with Whatever.

Ow.

Anyway, the other thing I learned as the truck drove past was that I absolutely do not question the status of that emergency. Sometimes a police car or even a firetruck will speed by and you'll think "might not be a big deal." I feel like there are no small hazard material leaks. Right?

Which reminds me of Alex Mack. Which I never really watched growing up, but reference frequently.

What's Larissa Oleynik doing?

2009-05-17T18:39:00.003-04:00

I was cleaning up some of the drafts I never published/finished on this blog.

On 4/17 I wrote an entry that started with "Last night I was struck full in the face but" and then there's nothing.

I have no idea what I was talking about.

2009-05-17T18:25:00.002-04:00

Dear men in my neighborhood,

I'm wearing pants. Stop looking at me like I'm not wearing pants. These are cropped leggings and they happen to fall under the Active Wear category on the Old Navy website. That means I can wear them when I go downstairs to pretend-to-buy-a-water-bottle-but-really-just-get-the-guy-behind-the-counter-to-give-me-quarters-for-laundry.

Just because I'm wearing pants-that-don't-look-like-pants doesn't mean I'm failing in other aspects of my life. You don't know that I slept until 11am and then took a nap at 2pm. You don't know that it took me forever to put on these basically-pants in the first place. You don't know that there's a soggy bowl of cereal on my dresser that I won't take to the sink because the Life squares have started to form some sort of terrifying configuration and I just don't want to deal with it. You don't know that I spent my day crying at the TV or that I took a shower and then put this same outfit back on because I like it.

What you should notice is that I've started a new haircare regimen and my curls look spectacular. You should also notice the beginning of my new spring/summer tradition of getting regular manicures. Also observe my choice of bright red nail polish which subtly suggests that I might be a bad-girl in a classy, World War II kind of way. Get with it.

Sincerely,
Nicole

2009-04-03T15:44:00.000-04:00

Two personal truths that I've had reaffirmed in the last 24 hours:

I do not like prosciutto.

Men wearing vests - especially with a nice shirt and a tie - make me a little weak in the knees.

2009-03-27T22:42:00.003-04:00

Dru misunderstood something I said over gchat today and took it as an opportunity to remind me what a disaster he thinks we'd be as a couple. I exhibit masochistic tendencies, so I asked Dru why that was exactly. He provided a pitch perfect analysis of our inevitable breakup, grounded in a complex understanding of our personalities. But mostly it amounted to, Nicole has unrealistic expectations about relationships. Under the circumstances, I took it really rather well. And then this text chain began.

Dru: You hate me so much right now.

Me: Absolutely not even a little not even at all.

Me: But if we're both single at 39 we can cohabitate, right? Different rooms and weekly sleepovers?

Dru: No. By then I'll have taken up my banjo playing and will leave with my three cats named Pain, Suffering and Sir Ben Kingsley.

Me: Dammit.

Me: 38?

Dru: That's when I rescue Sir Ben Kingsley from the shelter.

Me: 37?

Du: I'll he having an affair with the actual Sir Ben Kinglsey. Thus why I name my cat as such.

Me: Then what are you doing Thursday?

Dru: Avoiding you at all possible costs.

2009-03-20T15:30:00.004-04:00

Things that are true:

I need a new travel toothbrush. I absolutely, willfully left my apartment without brushing my teeth this morning. I did make it to a production meeting on time though (and found gum) so the sacrifice wasn't a complete failure.

I love coupons.

I filled out one of those ... bracket things ... but never submitted it to our General Management Assistant for eligibility in the office pool. And all but one of my randomly chosen brackets have been correct.

I dropped a tiny cookie on the floor next to my desk and now I can't find it.

No one in New York is selling chocolate chip muffins anymore.

I've never watched Felicity, but I'm pretty sure I'd like it and think I will be adding it to my queue. I have a special affection for those "single woman in the city" shows. It might be the voice-overs. Yes. I identify with women and their voice-overs.

For example, last night I was walking up to Union Square to meet Dom and thinking, I wonder if there's a word to describe the feeling you have when you remember a memory that should make you happy but then it makes you sad because it's a memory and not a present-tense experience. And then I thought, I bet the French have a word for it. And then I thought, wow - my life is just like a TV show sometimes.

And then I hated myself. But just a little.

2009-03-14T22:58:00.004-04:00

I should have more self-respect than running to the downstairs deli in my pajamas.

I should not be this happy about a night spent in bed watching mid-90s romantic comedies and eating nutella.

I should do some dishes.

I should have waited for my tea to cool before drinking it.

I should blog a little bit less.

Shoulda woulda coulda. Oh, Saturn's day.

2009-03-14T14:23:00.003-04:00

Dear Mom,
Do you have our DVD of When Harry Met Sally? If I can't crawl into bed and watch it on weekend nights, I am going to start making decisions you won't agree with. Love, Nicole
PS - I can only watch Moonstruck so many times

Dear my idea to leave the apartment at 11:30pm last night and meet Dru at a bar on the Upper West Side,
I thought I was really going to regret you in the morning, but it seemed to work out. When you get a chance, please let My Decision to Get a Slice of Buffalo Chicken Pizza at Freddie's at 1am know that it was spicy but ultimately good. Thanks, Nicole

Dear The Shower,
Sorry I did not see you this morning. Running late. Maybe later? xoxo, n

Dear Book I am Reading,
We need to end this. I am less than halfway through and you are dragging me down, man. We can get lunch and talk about this if you want. Nicole

Dear everyone,
Do you own a DVD copy of the Truth About Cats and Dogs? I need it for a class tomorrow. Seriously.
Thanks, N

2009-03-11T16:27:00.002-04:00

God dammit.

I grabbed my sneakers and threw them in my bag while it was dark this morning. (I refuse to do improv in anything but sneakers.) Turns out, I grabbed a shoe from two different sets. Somehow, thankfully, I also grabbed two different feet.

Thankfully? Ugh. Maybe. For the second time this week I accidentally look like Punky Brewster.

2009-03-07T11:35:00.002-05:00

Whenever I get into a Dire Laundry Situation (DLS), I fantasize about taking extreme measures like reaching into my closet and wearing a dress or a skirt. For no formal reason.

Last night it looked like I was approaching a DLS so I had mentally prepared myself to do something I'd been fantasizing about for awhile: wear a skirt with a band t-shirt and a cardigan. You know, like a girl in a movie. An independently filmed movie.

Unexpectedly, I got up early enough to deal with the DLS before leaving our apartment. And yet...life is for the living. I did it anyway.

I'm wearing a skirt, guys. And leggings. And I can't remember if that last part is okay or not.

The thing is, I only own one skirt and it's purple, which is hard to match. So the t-shirt and skirt don't match. Also, the thing that happens whenever I move to the left of "T Shirt and Jeans" is that it looks less like I've dressed fancy and more like I'm in costume.

So. I look like I'm in costume but I can't decide what costume that is...maybe it's one of those concept costumes. Yes. There's a very real possibility that I'm dressed up as My Own Inability to Execute Ideas.

Also, sneakers were a bad call.

2009-03-06T15:25:00.000-05:00

It's still funny, even if you have to explain it:

Dru: ooohhhhhhhhh
Dru: i get it
Dru: the doctor is seeing your underwear
Me: thank you

2009-03-06T15:21:00.002-05:00

There is a reason I blog about her so much.

I tried this bit twice before it landed:

Sent at 3:12 PM on Friday
me: buying underwear is far more stressful when you know someone else is actually going to see it
me: which reminds me - I have a drs appointment Monday afternoon
me: switcheroo!
me: wah wah
me: dressing up for the doctor
me: Caroline in the City'd!

Nicole: you kill me
Nicole: seriously

She also forgot I offered her one of my last two leftover rangoons so I got to eat it after she left.

2009-03-05T18:45:00.001-05:00

Nicole: you confuse me so
me: really? why?
Nicole: cause your entry led me to [assume love] and then there was crab
Nicole: confused
me: why?
me: it's the old one-two
me: you think it's about one thing
me: but it's about rangoon
me: COMEDY
Nicole: i never did the classes

2009-03-05T17:51:00.004-05:00

This blog entry might lean towards the too personal but oh well.

Since I moved to New York 2.83 years ago, I've been looking for something kind of casually. There were times when I was out there looking more seriously - and more desperately - than others. Ultimately, I found myself in a place where I had relaxed. Or given up hope. I guess it's all a question of perspective.

Then, in the last few weeks, It kind of walked into my life. I'm still not sure how It fits into the daily routine I had already established. And I have trouble understanding moderation - since every time something makes me happy I want to wrap myself in a blanket of It and pursue in unmeasured, uncontrolled doses. And that isn't always the right decision.

Sorry. I'm being vague. The thing is, I finally found a place in New York that does crab rangoon they way they used to at Lemon Thai. And it's amazing. And I've had it twice in the last week and a half. And I'm at my desk right now, doing everything in my power not to finish the entire bag in one sitting - that's six pieces of fried, golden, crispy, creamy, crabby goodness.

My desk/post-it notes are also covered in drippings from a variety of sauces and dressings. Oh chopsticks. I love you, but I don't know how to make this work.

2009-03-04T11:56:00.001-05:00

Dru and I went for drinks last night and he mentioned this article. I know that sounds incredibly, incredibly obnoxious. I wouldn’t call myself smart, but “overthinker” isn’t much of a stretch.

Mostly I’m sharing because of this quote:

“At some point in your life, you got pegged as a smart person. From then on, that was your principal identity: The Smart One. Especially if you had a sibling who was better-looking than you, in which case she (or he) was The Pretty One.”

It reminds me of the time when my grandmother’s best friend was introducing someone to me and my sisters. She said: "This is Amanda. This is Nicole. And this is the one I call “The Beauty.”"

Oh, by the way, we were at my grandmother’s wake.

2009-03-03T13:49:00.002-05:00

There's a note on my desk that just says "Call guy."

Specificity for the win.

2009-03-03T13:15:00.004-05:00

All work in our office has come to a complete standstill because my lady co-workers and I are listening to "I Can't Make You Love Me." Oh, shuffle.

Nikki: It's one of those songs where it comes on and you just think...she knows. [Bonnie Raitt] knows.

2009-03-03T10:57:00.002-05:00

Nikki missed work yesterday because of the snow.

Nicole: interesting, thank you for the update, i should really subscribe to the newsletter
me: yes. OR JUST NEVER LEAVE ME EVER.
Nicole: hahahahaha. ok, that too
me: okay. I might regret this...but do you want to get a cheeseburger later? it's all I thought about yesterday and is part of why I was so sad.
Nicole: that is so wierd, i was just typing a message saying I was going to want lunch. yes, i want a cheeseburger
me: I'm trying not to cry right now
Nicole: do they have non-sweet fry options?
HA
me: yes. we can have regular fries. because caring about someone means compromise.
Nicole: look, you're already learning! I was going to make a comment about our future cheeseburger experiences but i'll control myself
me: wait. what future cheeseburger experiences? talk to me about the future, Nikki. promise me things.
Nicole: nope, this will only work if we keep it in the moment
me: you're right. god, I hate that you're right.

2009-02-25T23:05:00.002-05:00

Last night, standing at the McManus jukebox-thing, I revealed something to my friend Andrew that I've never told anyone before.

In my life, I have played REO Speedwagon's "I Can't Fight This Feeling" at a social gathering where there is a male-friend who I am pursuing. I have done so with the intention of opening his eyes through the haunting, insightful lyrics.

More than once.

Yeah, I do not know how I'm still single either.

You're welcome.

2009-02-20T13:37:00.003-05:00

This is most easily explained through a gchat with Nikki. She's "Nicole." I'm "me."

That's confusing.

This chat is off the record.

Nicole: I'd appreciate it if you didn't laugh after this, what are the chances James Van Der Beck is on the other side of the building?
me: oh MY GOD
...what? wait. hold on - you don't know who just walked in.
Nicole: nope
me: it's the most attractive man in the entire history of ever. Ever.
Nicole: oh. ok.
me: that. is. tick. rait.
Nicole: um... should i know who this is?
me: former head of the IT department
Nicole: OH
me: he was here my first summer
Nicole: he looks a little IT ish
me: and is responsible for my post-Wellesley sexual awakening.
me: the first one
Nicole: i would appreciate it if he would continue speaking cause i enjoy his accent very much
me: I can't remember if I'm still getting all stirred up inside. because I refuse to look at him.
me: He used to wear suit jackets. with JEANS. and boots
Nicole: Full. mouth.

meaning I can't say things like that when she's drinking.

me: and he has glasses. and auburn colored hair.
Nicole: hahaha totally stirred up
me: a compact, but sculpted build
Nicole: [Edited for propriety]
me: no. not yet. I'm still recollecting.
I'll have to edit that part when I repost this conversation. mmmm.

Sent at 1:28 PM on Friday

me: SINGLE. HE JUST SAID HE'S SINGLE. how do you say "follow me to the alcove between the anspacher balcony and the martinson theater" in british?
me: you're working on a spreadsheet
me: and not reading this chat
me: and I feel like you're missing out on so much of the present tense enjoyment
Nicole: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Nicole: good god woman, you have become a sexual preditor!

she looked back at me and I just shrugged.

me: [Edited for propriety]
Nicole: ... wow... that is the type of IM i'd need a cig after...
me: [Edited for Propriety]
Nicole: oh yes
would not have thought straight upon first sight
me: yeah. I like the ambiguity.
me: in my mind, I'm formulating an analogy where men are like kindereggs
me: he's talking about a hometown in england on a beach
me: do you think he's flirting with me?
Nicole: ...sure
Nicole: go ahead and ask him out, i'll watch
me: okay. now I'm going to have to stop and think about it.
me: looking
me: over
me: now
me: oh. he has a soul patch.
me: gross
me: and his whole accent and manner of dress suddenly seems so sterile and unsexual

me: well. I guess you can't go home again.

Sent at 1:38 PM on Friday

me: wait.
what about James Van Der Beek?

2009-02-14T17:55:00.004-05:00

Somebody just asked if I had plans for tonight and I answered:

"Buying a cardigan."

And I'm actually happy about that. In addition to the fact that tomorrow will be ridiculously busy, this is one of the first years that I feel like I don't have something to prove and therefore don't feel the quiet sting of having to hide behind an "alterna-Valentine's Day" that involves

1) Watching "Love Actually" in a theatre full of undergraduate females
2) Dating Heidi because she and Brian were still trying to figure out "their deal"
3) ...I have no recollection of what I did last year.

Point made.

There was originally a part of this post that said "If I had my druthers" and then it had a great joke about "boy, do I need more druthers."

No longer relevant, but putting it there anyway.

2008-12-28T15:20:00.001-05:00

Oh man. I'm really glad I didn't manage to fit a date into 2008 but I learned about role playing games last night.

Seriousness to sarcasm ratio in the above statement is 50/50.

2008-11-30T12:34:00.004-05:00

Does anyone know how to treat 3rd degree rug burn?

I went home for Thanksgiving and fell into old habits. I was flash-dancing in my childhood bedroom (as you do) and slid across the carpet (as you do) and now I have a pretty nasty injury on my left ankle. You know, the kind where it turns weird colors and every time it bleeds my sock sticks to it.

Yeah, you're glad I'm back.

Other things from this trip: While New York City buses are immensely charming and enjoyable (ride one sometime - for fun!), the Rockland Coaches transportation system remains as soul crushing as I remembered it being. I take zero responsibility for that year of my life where I was commuting daily and behaved like an empty shell of a person.

My bedroom still doesn't have a functioning fire alarm. This made it much easier to willfully sleep through the other bedroom alarms on Thursday morning when turkey grease spilled on the bottom of the oven and our house thought it was burning. To be fair, that happens whenever someone cooks poultry on Ferris Court so I figured my chances were pretty good.

2008-10-13T22:28:00.003-04:00

Myers-Briggs personality test via Leila.

I'm INFJ. What are you?

No, seriously. Take it.

I'm only posting this because I did this test two months ago and got the same results. Since I second guess myself, that usually doesn't happen with tests. But it did. Congratulations Mssrs Myers and Briggs. (Right?)

Also I am the same personality type as Mother Theresa. Bam.

And Martin Van Buren.

And Carrie Fisher.

One of those is cooler than the others.

No, it's not the President.

2008-10-08T20:57:00.008-04:00

Jesse requested more entries about feelings so I'm going to oblige. But first -

Excerpts from Sarah Vowell's reading of The Wordy Shipmates at the Union Square Barnes and Noble. These snippets come from the question and answer session.

Why write about Protestants:
"Oh, just selling out really."

"I can go all "grandpa" on any number of topics."

Sarah: Last question, better be good.
Audience member: Are we going to see you on Showtime's version of This American Life?
Sarah: Are you going to see me on Showtime's version of This American Life? [extended pause] Um, no. Thank you all for coming.

I took notes while timing my incessant coughing to match other people's laughter. If you were there, I was the girl blowing my nose before and after the reading. Apparently, I am not over my cold yet. Also, I am gross.

When I first heard Sarah Vowell a few years ago, I thought, oh my God, she got to my life before I did. This resulted in two feelings:

"There is no room for me in the world" and

"I wonder if she needs an assistant?"

To be fair, she's doing my life better than I would have. She's really nailing that whole visiting national historic landmarks, researching old-timey America and writing insightful, unpretentious, and clever works about those experiences.

Sarah, if you ever want to "visit" my office, "research" people on facebook and "write" this blog - we should life swap.

She too does not have a driver's license.

Soon I must choose one of my backup plans. Mayhaps, I will open a Presidential Bakery in the West Village. The hook is that there will be one era-appropriate-baked-good assigned to each President. There's no menu because you have to order the President.

Otherwise, I'll be a jedi. And marry Kenneth Branagh.

2008-10-08T12:19:00.003-04:00

I tripped a circuit breaker in the apartment this morning while I was trying to make turkey bacon in the microwave while toasting an eggo waffle.

It happens.

For whatever reason, I assumed our building is so old the breaker/fuse box would be in the basement and therefore inaccessible to anyone who isn't our super. By the way, our super lives in Poland. I spent the morning trying to call the management company before running out the door to work. (In the interest of full disclosure, I also ate a cold waffle while I was doing that).

Stephanie was still asleep. God love her. She brings the adorable quotient in the apartment but I wasn't too confident in her ability to fix the problem in my absence. I figured it would have to be taken care of when I got home from work/the Sarah Vowell reading. In the meanwhile, the contents of our fridge would go bad. Since we don't keep food in the apartment, it's probably a $30 loss.

Well, I was wrong. After some aggressive demanding from me on gchat, and with the gentle guidance of John Robert, Stephanie managed to find and flip the circuit breakers. They are, for future reference, located in the hallway across from the kitchen. Go figure. Well played, Stephanie.

2008-10-06T22:12:00.003-04:00

I Me Wed
A woman becomes a media sensation when she marries herself.

I was watching this for 2 full minutes before I realized it was a made-for-TV movie and not a documentary.

In my defense, I have a pretty bad cold.

2008-10-03T15:44:00.003-04:00

You guys.

Are the lyrics to "The Weight"

Take a load off Annie

or

Take a load off Fanny

?

I need to know right now.

2008-10-02T10:58:00.002-04:00

For Christmas, I want a videotaped montage of Hillary Clinton and other female members of the Democratic party preparing Biden for tonight's debate.

I cannot decide, but I think I want it set to "Let's Hear It For the Boy."

2008-10-01T11:46:00.003-04:00

Hi guys. I'm wearing men's deodorant.

See, I ran out yesterday and stopped at the Rite Aid to buy some. All they had were fruit and powder scented stuff for ladies. I'm a "shower clean" kind of girl. I'm real, real picky about smells. I hate powder smells. (You hear that babies? You stay away with your powder.) Guys get way better scent options than women do. And, oh man, do I love the way boys smell.

Anyway, I bought the guy stuff. Every once in awhile, I'll stretch or raise my arms or move in such a way that I catch a scent of it and I'll think "ooh, who is that?" and then I'll experience the crippling disappointment of realizing it's me. I am my imaginary office boyfriend.

2008-09-30T15:35:00.008-04:00

We begin with Heidi's facebook status. What follows are the comments left.

Heidi is packing, laundering, showering, cleaning, throwing out, freaking out, and watching Kevin Kline in that movie where he's the president. 11:25am - 18 Comments

Nicole at 11:26am September 30
El Dorado?

(Get it? That's a joke because obviously she meant Dave).

Nicole at 11:26am September 30
Shoot. I should have said "Wild, Wild West"? BECAUSE I WOULD STILL BE RIGHT.

Ali at 11:29am September 30
The Big Chill?

Brian at 11:30am September 30
I believe the film in question is "Dave." A quirky look-a-like is put into the place of the President when the president falls into a coma, meanwhile Kevin Kline gets nasty with the First Lady. That's what I call a quality flick...

Brian at 11:36am September 30
He wasn't the president in Wild Wild West! Now, children, THIS is what's wrong with the country. Blatantly wrong fact checking...

Brian at 11:37am September 30
And not enough of an obsession with Kevin Kline films. Of course, I use the term film loosely, at least in the case of Wild Wild West.

Ali at 11:38am September 30
Wasn't he disguised as the president for about 3 minutes in an attempt to misdirect the evil deeds of Kenneth Branaugh?

Nicole at 11:46am September 30
You're an asshole, Brian. He played Ulysses S. Grant at the end of the movie.
SCHOOLED.

Rebecca at 12:12pm September 30
DAVE!

Eric at 12:29pm September 30
If I remember correctly, Sigourney Weaver's character makes some very morally questionable choices in that movie. I suppose it's all in the name of "love" and "character development".

Brian at 2:53pm September 30
I submit evidence A. IMDBitch it Yo!

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000177/

Heidi at 2:58pm September 30
Actually, Brian, if it doesn't count that he dresses up as Ulysses S. Grant, then it ALSO doesn't count in DAVE, since he spends the entire film "dressed" as the president, not AS the president. On on unrelated topic, it made me a little uncomfortable how sexy Kevin was in this movie. I mean, seriously ladies (and Eric), let's talk about that showe... Read Morer scene where Sigourney realizes he's not her husband because of his, well, you know....

Nicole at 3:00pm September 30
You guys are all idiots. Kevin Kline plays the real President at the beginning of Dave when he's banging Laura Linney on the floor and has a heart attack (spoiled!) And Kevin Kline plays Artemus pretending to be Grant AND Grant in the movie. He does. Trust me. I am having a movie watching party soon.

Nicole at 3:04pm September 30
PLEASE SEE THIS TRAILER FROM THE MOVIE AT 1:15 seconds in WHEN KEVIN KLINE IS FACE TO FACE WITH KEVIN KLINE.

Nicole at 3:05pm September 30
NOW I AM GOING TO ACTUALLY POST THE LINK: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vnNEtWtXsYs

Brian at 3:08pm September 30
After further review I submit that the character is playing at President, which is somewhat similar to the character in Dave playing at President... Therefore, I might, perforce, may have put my foot in my mouth. Le sigh. You were right, Nicole. How can I ever make it up to you? And to you, Ali, though I do not know you, I apologize for my ass... Read Morehole ways. All I can say is that I am disturbed with the impending vacancy of my lovely girlfriend.

Nicole at 3:09pm September 30
Also, here's a wikipedia plot summary where they point out that Grant and Gordon are in the same room quite a few times. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wild_Wild_West_(film).

Brian, do you want to come over and watch Wild Wild West and cry about our mutual loss?

Brian at 3:15pm September 30
I would love to come over and watch Wild Wild West and cry. I'll bring the mac and cheese. Have you seen the Kevin Smith video I posted about Wild Wild West?

In the interest of full disclosure, I was 50% having fun and 50% really upset. I should also point out that Brian is Heidi's boyfriend and one of my absolute, favorite persons on this green earth.

Still, he's clearly an idiot.

2008-09-28T22:35:00.003-04:00

I feel like I should be taking greater advantage of this laundromat internet situation but I've got nothing I want to talk about and there's nothing going on here.

Current thought:
American sitcoms don't have enough goofy sound fx.

Other thought:
Crushes are weird.

Like so, so weird.

/angela chase

2008-09-28T21:49:00.003-04:00

You guys, I am writing this from the laundromat.

I realized I have internet connection here. Mind blown. I do not have to finish the book that I don't like or watch "So You Think You Can Dance" en espanol.

So now I'm blogging from the laundromat and gchatting with Elisabeth. This is how I spend 80% of my life but more exciting because I'm in a new location.

Oooh! Gotta go. Final spin.

2008-09-27T20:52:00.002-04:00

Even though it's near work, I rarely go to Trader Joe's. Then I went last Monday with Polo, and it was a pretty great experience. I went back tonight and there was - like - no food. At a food store. Is that normal?

Anyway, I went in with the specific goal of buying a Spinach and Mushroom Quiche ($1.89!) to bring back to work to heat up in the microwave while I get stuff done. (Try not to be too jealous of my life). There were rows and rows of Mexican quiche but only ONE Spinach and Mushroom.

But the box was open.

Not broken. Just open. Like it might have been unglued from heat or something. I know you're not supposed to buy food that might have been tampered with but the plastic covering still looked all good. Anyway, I'm eating it now. I'm gonna be fine, right? Please leave your vote in the comment section.

2008-09-26T13:58:00.001-04:00

Update:

Stephanie: it was some dude trying to get into the apartment with slushies

I love my life again.

2008-09-26T13:50:00.005-04:00

Sometimes, I stop and think I really am living the adorable New York life I always dreamed I'd have: Manhattan (kind of) apartment above a pizza parlor with adorable, twenty-something lady-roommates, an eat-in kitchen and a craft room. Bookshelves!

And then...

Stephanie: Some one is trying to break into the apartment
Sent at 1:49 PM on Friday
me: ...
WHAT?
Stephanie: They keep banging on the door
and trying to stick a key in to open it
me: are they breaking in or knocking?
it's not breaking in if they knock
go look
Stephanie: They knocked for a little bit
and now they're just trying to break in
me: Stephanie, it could be the landlord
Stephanie - call someone or do something
Stephanie: I don't know what the landlord looks like
me: he's a large polish man
Stephanie: ok
hold on
me: yeah, I'm gonna do that.

Stephanie is offline. Messages you send will be delivered when Stephanie comes online.

We are not adorable and frequently are barely functional. We also might not all be alive anymore.

2008-09-26T13:20:00.001-04:00

Does everyone remember these?

How to Host...

Do people still have them?

I always wanted to do one in high school but never did.

I think I might.

2008-09-26T11:21:00.002-04:00

New Blue Plus headquarters, Central Park.

We are in the process of closing out the uptown theatre for the winter. Still, Blue Plus thought this was a good time to build themselves a new HQ in the House Right Vom.

2008-09-25T11:29:00.001-04:00

Dear Mr. D (Dad),

There is a section on my blog where you can comment on my blog. It's the "comments" section. See below.

You don't have to post on my facebook wall. Those are different parts of the internet.

Love,
The Favorite

2008-09-22T14:16:00.002-04:00

"No," by Brian Doyle, featured in The Kenyon Review, Spring 2008.

(via bookslut.com/blog)

2008-09-22T12:22:00.003-04:00

My mom hates the Beatles. Don't worry, guys - she's still cool. Her feelings involve a very complicated turn of logic that include a particular appreciation for Davy Jones.

What this means is I never really listened to the Beatles growing up - except for the way their work has seeped so deeply into the fabric of popular culture that it's impossible to avoid. Anyway, I got to go away to college and "discover" the Beatles - and have it be a rebellious thing. My first year at Swells, I definitely spent at least one weekend on the floor of my dorm room, listening to their albums in chronological order, having borrowed them from the Wellesley Free Library. Good times.

We're listening to the "George Harrison" station on Pandora. It made me think of that.

2008-09-21T16:13:00.003-04:00

Listen, listen, listen.

I used to listen to podcasts a lot when I was commuting. I don't anymore. I went home to my 'rentals house this weekend and had time on the train out of Hoboken (there's potential for a second entry here - if I wanted to go into my incredible, frightening, non-functional temper when it comes to unreliable public transportation). I listened to an old RadioLab podcast from March. See, you guys? I talk smack about science but I try to understand it. The topic that week was "(So Called) Life", focusing in the latter acts on bio-engineering. You think particle physics makes me nervous? We should talk about bio-engineering sometimes. Really, we should not.

Anyway - go listen to it. Now. They get particularly quirky after the first half-hour. ("FREEMAN DYSON") I like that Robert articulates the exact same fascinated terror that I'm feeling. And Jad is dreamy. Not just radio dreamy. Real life dreamy too.

2008-09-20T14:24:00.001-04:00

I slept in late so I forgot to be worried this morning. Congratulations, Stephanie, on throwing yourself out of a plane and living to picture-message us about it.

2008-09-19T15:09:00.005-04:00

I don't remember exactly why, but college radio came up in a conversation I had this past week. Since then, I've spent a significant portion of time thinking about the basement under Schneider, plaid couches, transmitters, boys in skinny ties, and seafood madness. Also, about the art of broadcast radio.

I have nothing specific to add to that, except a suffocating desire for a time machine. I will maybe be more thoughtful later.

I was just overwhelmed by the flash-memory that somewhere out there a very creepy music engineer has a roll of pictures taken while the e-board played flip-cup with a marginally successful indie-band while Kate's thirteen year-old sister sat in the corner.

Oh, Electric Ladyland - how I miss thee.

Also, Blue Plus just walked into my office wearing full-body cardboard boxes with cut out arms and drawn-on faces.

Just when I worry I'll never go back to that life again...

2008-09-19T10:40:00.001-04:00

"The world's largest particle collider malfunctioned within hours of its launch to great fanfare, but its operator didn't report the problem for a week."

Everybody just stop doing science and go write poems.

For the last six minutes, I've been trying to open my mind enough to really understand what's going on with the LHC. Somewhere between Higgs boson and supersymmetry, I started to accept the fact that I will never be proficient in particle physics. I am okay with that, because I still think I can be a complete person. And then I read this part of the Wikipedia article on LHC's purpose:
"Are there extra dimensions, as predicted by various models inspired by string theory, and can we detect them?"

Okay. That is cool. Proceed.

2008-09-18T15:47:00.002-04:00

Ashley and I grabbed dinner before seeing a play last night. We went to my new favorite place. It is steps from Times Square without feeling like it is steps from Times Square. Also, it has couches. Anyway, I burned (burnt?) my tongue on...whatever the hell I got that was definitely not worth burning my tongue. It still burns. We are going on 24-hours. Concerned?

This is not the point.

The points is, I just googled "burning tongue" and one of the first results was this, from netwellness.org.

"My tongue started burning six years ago..."

Wait. What? WHEN? YOU WAITED HOW LONG?

You, sir, do not deserve a functioning tongue.

Also, I hope IT doesn't monitor our google searches.

2008-09-18T15:37:00.002-04:00

My status: my tongue burns

Julie: Stop making out with dragons

Matt (Julie's other-half): I hear you've been making out with dragons.
me: boy you guys. you guys and your bits
Matt: we've fused into one person. sadly, you only get about 5% more humor for the combo
me: great
Matt: gotta run, the woman is making do dishes.
seriously
me: wow
Matt: she's actually yelling from the kitchen about dirty dishes
me: hit her
Matt: yeah. I plan on it. with a frying pan.
me: yup
Matt: you are going to show this her her, aren't you?
me: nope
me: posting on my blog
Matt is typing…
Matt: oh great. Well, for the record, you are the one that suggested that I hit her.
Matt's new status message - Dresblogged! 6:53 PM

2008-09-17T15:18:00.006-04:00

I just stopped short of ending two conversations with co-workers by saying, "Okay. Great. Love you."

Either I am in a wonderful mood or I have completely lost my mind.

But really, are they so different?

2008-09-15T21:36:00.002-04:00

My mom is my favorite mother.

I just got this facebook (yup) message from her:

"Can I have full access to your profile? Love you. Thanks."

2008-09-15T11:57:00.002-04:00

"The campaign a person runs says everything about the way they'll govern."
- excerpt from Joe Biden's upcoming speech in Michigan. More at TPM Election Central.

YES.

When I made the switch from heartbroken Hillary believer to hesitant Obama supporter, it was on exactly this ground that I made my decision. I believe so firmly that you elect an individual's judgment before you elect his/her policies and the most accurate reflection of that is how they run for office. Aw, man. I know some people are bored by campaign-related talk but I love this junk.

2008-09-15T01:48:00.004-04:00

Lots of stuff -

Dear girl on the 1 train who is vomiting,
Putting your jacket over your face is not going to make this any less embarrassing. It is only going to ruin a very nice jacket.

Dear guy with the girl on the 1 train who is vomiting,
Doofus. You are holding two plastic bags. Stop rubbing her back and do something useful.

Dear girl on the 1 train who is vomiting,
You need to break-up with him.
______________

I made a "to do" list back in January for the new year. I just checked my room and I definitely lost it. Shoot. In any case: Elisabeth, Stephanie and I all made new "Fiscal Year 09" To Do Lists. Interesting fact - paying down credit card debt showed up on all our lists. Bender has a spending problem but we are fully aware.

______________

It is very pleasant to be somewhere and then experience the quiet rush of realizing you are exactly where you would be if you could be anywhere...that you wanted to be. Just so you know, that is a beautiful sentiment poorly conveyed.

______________

Enjoy.

(via Chris' mouth)

2008-09-12T16:54:00.003-04:00

The following was just brought to my attention:

The HND suggestion box has no key...that might be a metaphor.

You guys, it probably is. I can't tell what it's a metaphor for yet ... but it can't possibly be good.

2008-09-12T16:35:00.003-04:00

Reason #439

I just won the raffle.

Jay Dove won second prize. Second prize is a copy of a Theatre World book fake-autographed by Patti LuPone. It says "Keep on dreaming."

First prize is naming rights to the suggestion box in the kitchenette. That's right. If you come to visit and you have any suggestions, you can leave them in the Honorary Nicole suggestion box. We'll never know what you write though, because we can't find the key.

2008-09-12T16:23:00.003-04:00

Reason I love my workplace #438:

Occasionally, the Press Department holds raffles on Fridays. The prizes have included tiaras, alize, and a sparknotes of the Scottish Play that belonged to the old executive director.

When I went over to get my raffle ticket today, I found our press agent racing around his office. He wasn't setting up an interview, finishing a release, or arranging a pair of tickets. He was trying to find a glue stick to finish the raffle sign.

The prize is always a secret until it's revealed.

Also, this exchange:

Me, Production: Is it a boyfriend?
Sam, Press: If it was a boyfriend, would I be raffling it off?
Jay Dove, IT: If it's a boyfriend and I win, you can have it.

2008-09-12T15:49:00.003-04:00

I remember wandering around Mass. a few years ago, listening to Samantha recite The Jabberowcky and being much enamored of the way it sounds. I keep meaning to memorize it myself but then I keep forgetting.

This is to serve as a reminder.

2008-09-12T10:57:00.003-04:00

"Oh, that's just Joe."

Cringe-worthy/adorable/hysterical.

Cannot wait until the VP debates.

Cannot. Wait.

(should note: via G. Brennan.)

2008-09-10T23:06:00.003-04:00

This was prompted by a conversation Langan and I had about romantic couplings (see also Marianne and Colonel Brandon, Jo March and Professor Baehr):

I don't mean this in a sarcastic way at all: there are very few things I'd rather be doing than watching youtube clips from Jane Eyre movies. It is probably my favorite book of all books, but I've avoided most adaptations. I don't know why.

By the way, crying with joy at your desk is the cool kid thing to do.

2008-09-10T16:30:00.001-04:00

(via leilacohan.tumblr.com via her co-worker)

2008-09-09T14:37:00.007-04:00

I'm about to introduce you all to a very special, very important part of my life.

Meet Blue Plus.

Blue Plus does bits.

Blue Plus comes into my office every Thursday to discuss the non-negotiable stamp across their paycheck.

Blue Plus' motto is "Safety, Fun, THEN Learning."

Blue Plus "hired" me as their Production Administrator a few months ago, and will frequently call me into the production suite for group meetings (finishing crossword puzzles).

Blue Plus is the name they gave themselves. Robbie hired them last year to work freelance on a few smaller projects. He also gave them some tools and told them to differentiate from the rest of the shop supplies. When they finished tagging the tools, they started tagging different parts of the office.

Blue Plus has no official affiliation whatsoever.

Blue Plus is what would happen if you put the 4077th, the Muppets, and a Boy Scout Manual in a blender.

This summer, about half of the members have been touring around eastern Europe. The rest have been pursuing side projects. My life has been a little bit emptier.

Today, they are all in the same country again. And at 4pm, we have a team meeting.

I was discussing Blue Plus with another girl in the office. We agreed that separately they're all just enjoyable young men. Collectively, I have the crush of a lifetime.

2008-09-09T11:51:00.003-04:00

I don't like science.

I like science fiction. I think that's fun.

But science in real life? No thank you. I have a very pretentious Tom Stoppard quote (entirely removed from context) at the ready for situations like this but I'll refrain.

I mean, I do like Radiolab.

Anyway.

I make an admirable attempt to remain up-to-date on world affairs. But when it comes to science stuff? No sir, no thank you. I'll skip that section of the paper, please pass the scones.

So I am reeling from something you all must have known about already.

Witness this recent gchat conversation.

Anna Adams: did you know the world might end tomorrow?
me: ...
me: ARE YOU GOING TO FOLLOW THAT UP WITH ANYTHING?
me: ANNA
Anna: oh, right. they're kicking on the worlds biggest super collider at 3:30am eastern. and tossing a bunch of protons together.
me: ...
Anna: and it miiiiiiiiiiiiiight form some black holes.
Anna: but we're not supposed to worry
me: I want to be 23
Anna: ?
me: tomorrow is my birthday
Anna: oh shit
Anna: happy birthday
me: why are they doing that?
Anna: for science

2008-09-08T14:51:00.003-04:00

I went to grab lunch with co-workers today. We typically go to St. Mark's Market and bring back. While I was standing outside of BBQ Chicken, waiting for Frasco to come back from the smoothie place, I noticed this picture on the storefront window.

Is that particularly gross to anyone else?

The description claims it's for people "on the go." If you are so busy you need to eat your food like that - it is time to take stock.

2008-09-08T11:53:00.002-04:00

Here is a complete list of the music I have listened to this morning:

Two Hearts - Phil Collins
What About Love - Heart
Fields of Gold - Sting
Hold on My Heart - Genesis
Can't Stop Loving You - Phil Collins
Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now - Starship

(This song reminds me of the end of Mannequin 2: On the Move. I have probably seen that movie dozens of times in my life but not once in the last decade. I love that movie. Also, there's a place in my heart where I still genuinely believe this will be my wedding song. It is very close to the place in my heart where I still believe I'm supposed to marry Jonathan Taylor Thomas and where Katie, Jackie and I will raise our children on the same block in Pearl River.)

Against All Odds - Phil Collins
Broken Wings - Mr. Mister

(I have fantasized about being in an all-lady improv group and naming it Mrs. Mister. I am probably not the first person).

Little Lies - Fleetwood Mac
Out of Touch - Hall and Oates
I Want to Know What Love Is - Foreigner

(Sometimes I am glad that I work in an office where it is not embarrassing/uncommon to cry at your desk).

Land of Confusion - Genesis
You Can Call Me Al - Paul Simon

(This was Dead Serious' theme song 04-05. Before that happened, I had very specific and embarrassing intentions for this song.)

She Drives Me Crazy - Fine Young Cannibals
Higher Love (UK Extended Mix) - Steve Winwood
King of Pain - The Police
Hard Habit To Break - Chicago
Alone - Heart

You guys, I am a different person from who I was when I woke up this morning.

2008-09-06T17:30:00.003-04:00

I'm reading Hillary Rodham's Student Commencement speech from the Wellesley College Class of '69 graduation.

According to lore, the first portion of this speech was written during the ceremony in response to earlier remarks from an invited speaker. I think having the context of that earlier speech would be immensely helpful in understanding Rodham's point. I'm having trouble expressing my own feelings about HR's speech - and I'm not sure what made me read it now. I have a very, very sentimental attachment to the idea of late 60s Hillary. In spite of all the moments when her text becomes passionate but incoherent, the speech is immensely moving (for me anyway) for the glimmer of a person it reveals.

Also, the whole point of this blog post was to draw attention to the following:

We protested against the rigid academic distribution requirement.

Thank you. The only thing in my entire existence I've ever wanted to take up arms against. Yup, Wellesley College Science Classes - the social injustice of it all.

2008-09-06T11:11:00.005-04:00

Things that seem like a good idea on 1.5 beers and 2.5 hard ciders:

- Talking about female autonomy
- Talking about the twelfth century - but not really - just bringing up the twelfth century a lot as a reference point for anything
- Interrupting conversations to shout "What's your favorite movie?" and not even remembering the answer (ETA: Singing in the Rain and Apocalypse Now. BAM.)
- Emptying the contents of my bag onto the table (special thanks to Katey for getting them back in)
- The Incident
- Saying the words "Listen. Listen. Listen" a lot and then not following up with anything.
- Holding but not opening an umbrella in the rain
- Math

Mostly talking at all seems like a good idea but is not.

Guys, I am not even scratching the surface.

I'm pretty sure I owe a few people an apology. I think that because I woke up this morning to a note-to-self written on the back of my Con Ed bill

You might owe [omitted] an apology.

Also, you should really clean your room because this pen was hard to find.

Drunk, I call it like I see it.

You guys, these blog posts have been misleading. It's not that I drink a lot. It's that I never drank until it was legal and I'm just playing catch-up.

Nonetheless, welcome to what I'm going to call "Sober Til October '08."

2008-09-05T14:10:00.000-04:00

Samantha,

If you didn't already know this, I think you would find it very interesting:

What New York did about Typhoid Mary (from http://ephemeralnewyork.wordpress.com)

Mary Mallon was born in Irelend in 1869 and came to America at 16, working as a cook for wealthy families in Boston and New York. In the early 1900s, several family members came down with typhoid—a potentially deadly bacterial infection spread through food when a carrier doesn’t wash his or her hands after using the bathroom.

Eventually a New York City typhoid researcher identified Mary as the source of all the infections. She denied having typhoid, but tests proved otherwise, and city health officials forced her into quarantine in a city hospital at North Brother Island in the East River.

After leaving quarantine and promising not to handle food, she went back to work as a cook, promptly infecting more people. Eventually she was brought back to the island, where she lived out her life. Mary died in 1938, a celebrity for being a healthy carrier of a lethal bacteria.

2008-09-05T13:55:00.003-04:00

Do you know how sometimes people are like "If I could marry any character from a Victorian novel it would be -" and then they finish the sentence?

You do.

Mine is Mr. Rochester. Duh.

Samantha, who would yours be?

2008-09-05T13:02:00.003-04:00

You know how sometimes people are like "If I could have live in any time period/location it would be -" and then they finish the sentence? Yeah. You know. I don't do that. But I do know that "If there were any time period I would absolutely not go back in time and live in it would be the French Revolution." It. seems. scary.

But I love musicals about the French Revolution.

By which I mean, I don't really like Les Mis but I love The Scarlet Pimpernel and I loved Tale of Two Cities because it reminded me of Scarlet Pimpernel with flashes of Jane Eyre but only because of the lead actor.

Excerpts from bluegobo.com below.

I'll warm you. I'll rouse you.

Yes, please.

ETA: Please see Samantha's comment below about the time differences referenced in the musicals above. And technically, The Scarlet Pimpernel is about the Reign of Terror. In my opinion, if a musical is set in France, and there's fighting, and everyone has different classes of British accents in order to distinguish themselves - it's a musical about the French Revolution.

2008-09-04T16:21:00.002-04:00

I really like this time of year. I really like late August/early September. I really like that many wonderful, delightful things that have happened in recent memory have begun at this time of year. Those wonderful, delightful things include my year in Freeman Hall, WZLY e-board, moving to New York, starting my job at the Public, and starting improv classes. You might observe that a number of those things happened when they did because of academic calendars but shut up, whatever. I'm finally saying positive things and not talking about boys. Dammit. Why are you undermining my point?

ANYWAY

There's a life-symmetry to the timing that I appreciate. And so, September oh-eight: what new and delightful beginnings do you have in store?

I hope it's a boyfriend.

Shoot.

2008-09-04T14:17:00.003-04:00

(via leilacohan.tumblr.com)

It is such a good thing that my biological clock can't vote. SUCH a good thing. For the love of God. ADORABLE.

Edit to include video in place of the picture.

2008-09-04T01:07:00.003-04:00

Here are some things that I think are a good idea after 1/2 a bottle of wine but that I will not think are a good idea in the morning:

- The people who own the deli downstairs want to hear me criticize their snack selection
- Our front door has "gotta go" because it makes a loud buzzing noise
- Stephanie and I are amazing singers
- If we are two girls walking into a deli, and two boys walk out, we should invite them upstairs to watch movies because the numbers match
- If I like a boy, I should send him an e-mail telling him about his dreamy eyes
- If Stephanie likes a boy, I should send him an e-mail telling him to "shape up"
- Drunk blogging
- Wearing a washcloth on my head
- Doing so much improv-y stuff on the weekends that any at-home socializing has to be scheduled during the week. Wait. I don't agree with that now either.
- Drunk blogging

2008-09-03T22:40:00.002-04:00

I came home, did laundry, and - seriously - was planning on watching Sarah Palin.

I swear.

BUT

Stephanie and I are having girls night instead. This involves sitting on the couch, drinking $3 wine, and talking about boys. In case you wonder what that last part might be like you should go listen to a marathon runner and a paraplegic talk shop. Get it? Because she dates a lot and I can't walk.

Is that joke horribly insensitive?

Anyway, we are about to watch While You Were Sleeping. Place your bets now. I'm putting money on me crying by 11:15 and trying to marry Bill Pullman from 1995.

Restored

2008-09-03T19:25:00.002-04:00

You guys.

I missed undercutting my emotional experiences by making jokes for my friends to read on the internet.

Also, my mom kept asking when I was going to start blogging again.

Mom and Aunt Laura, this is for you.

PS - some old entries are back. And some old entries are back but links or videos don't work. Tough.

2008-05-19T21:21:00.000-04:00

In case you were wondering: none of the following items can be used to break into my apartment if you leave your keys to my apartment sitting on my work desk:

- Barnes and Noble giftcard
- Unused Home Depot Commercial Account Card
- Library cards to any of the following institutions: Pearl River Public Library, New York Public Library, New York Public Library Research Libraries ACCCESS card, Wellesley Free Library
- UCB Student ID card from Neil Casey's Level 201
- Stainless steel spatula
- Brand-new sandal shoe, left
- Travel iron
- Brand-new sandal shoe, right
- Commemorative Sarah Durning Twix Wrapper
- $2.00 bill
- Despair

2008-05-14T21:20:00.000-04:00

In the continuing list of people with similar names who I am always confusing with each other:

Errol Morris and Errol Flynn.

Morgan Fairchild and Morgan Freeman is another big one.

Sometimes I'm so adorable that even I can't handle it.

2008-04-30T21:22:00.000-04:00

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

In Vermont a Driver's License is called an Operator's License.
In New York, it's just called a Driver License. No possessive.

I bet you didn't know that.

2008-04-20T21:21:00.000-04:00

Grownup things I did this month:

1. Paid taxes
2. Apologized when I didn't mean it
3. Bought wine

While I was wandering around the store, I was surprised to realize that not everyone buys wine based on how funny the labels are or the use of words like "jammy." Apparently something more involved goes into it sometimes.

2008-04-18T16:33:00.000-04:00

The acoustics in the North Elevator here at work are amazing. Whenever I am in the elevator alone, I sing to myself very, very loudly. I sound awesome.

I hate singing in public. I will not do it unless I am drunk or in love. I am not exagerrating. If I am singing in public then at least one of those things is going on.

2008-03-23T05:02:00.000-04:00

My hard drive crashed last week. I lost ... far more music than I care to remember and about two dozen notes for stories and sketches (but nothing I'd actually completed, because of how I'm lazy). Beyond that, the damage was pretty minimal.

Except I just realized I no longer have the (previously) secret desktop folder of favorite adorable pictures from icanhascheezburger.com.

This was the greatest casualty.

2008-03-14T15:54:00.000-04:00

Heidi, my work girlfriend, sent this to me.

http://www.dothetest.co.uk/

Turn your sound on and click the link.

Safe for work. Unless your are employed in that kind of environment where your boss expects you to be, you know, doing job things all of the time.

2008-02-15T15:48:00.000-05:00

Navy Will Attempt to Down Spy Satellite
Bush Orders Destruction, Citing Hazardous Fuel

By Marc Kaufman and Walter Pincus
Washington Post Staff Writers
Friday, February 15, 2008; A01

A Navy cruiser in the Pacific Ocean will try an unprecedented shoot-down of an out-of-control, school-bus-size U.S. spy satellite loaded with a toxic fuel as it begins its plunge to Earth, national security officials said yesterday.
...
The announcement set off an immediate debate on defense blogs and among experts who questioned whether there is an ulterior motive. Some experts said the military is seizing an opportunity to test its controversial missile defense system against a satellite target.
...
"There has to be another reason behind this," said Michael Krepon, co-founder of the Henry L. Stimson Center, a liberal arms-control advocacy organization. "In the history of the space age, there has not been a single human being who has been harmed by man-made objects falling from space."
...
If it hits the ground, it could leak gas and cause potentially fatal injury over an area of the size of about two football fields, he said, adding that "this is all about trying to reduce the danger to human beings."

If I had to choose between getting hit with a bus-sized satellite filled with hazardous fuel or a government cover-up that could further jeopardize international relations...I would choose the latter. And that, I realize, is why I am just a cog in the fear-machine.

It's also why, in the movie version of this news story, I'm one of the extras seen watching the announcement on television.

2008-02-12T16:02:00.000-05:00

It doesn't matter how different two people are, if their names are similar enough, they will be interchangeable in my head. Witness -

I think I just wrapped my mind around the fact that Crispin Glover and Savion Glover are different people.

2008-01-27T17:58:00.000-05:00

My love for Tom Stoppard just went through the roof, as they say. To introduce this clip might actually ruin it. Just watch.

2008-01-20T04:56:00.000-05:00

From the dictionary of me:

botchilism
n.
a disease in food caused by the ruining or "botching" of chemicals and also enzymes.

2008-01-19T21:15:00.000-05:00

If I could be anything in the world it would be a baby sea otter who can read.

Or someone who can whistle real, real good.

2008-01-14T00:31:00.003-05:00

I can't decide what I hate-love more: the choreography or Liz Callaway's pants

From the 1984 Tony Awards, courtesy of bluegobo.com

Someday, One Day

2007-12-31T04:32:00.000-05:00

(The strongest case for why I should not stay up past 1am).

I just realized my ideal relationship is a combination of the letters of John and Abigail Adams, the first seasons of Mad About You, and this youtube video of otters holding hands:

My heart exploded at 1:20. The video originally appeared online in March of last year. True confessions: I probably watch it every three to five weeks.

Lady Preparedness Course

2007-12-29T16:42:00.000-05:00

My igoogle homepage includes random listings from Wikihow. It is rarely useful but frequently interesting (see: stack a penny bridge, towel animals, whistling). Today, the wikihow was: How to be Supportive When Your Friend Gets Engaged. It's not riotous but the pictures are pretty great.

I don't think emotional/behavioral situations should be allowed on a how-to site. If they were, I'd offer the following:

- How to lose spectacularly at internet scrabble
- How to begin and never finish craft projects
- How to develop astounding crushes on boys you only sort of know
- How to fear intimacy
- How to channel the quirky shortcomings of your existence into blog entries

Finally!

2007-12-26T03:11:00.000-05:00

Geek out -

Finally !

The Adams Chronicles was a miniseries that originally aired on PBS in 1976. William Daniels (probably the best fake Adams ever) appeared as John Quincy.

Well, it's been impossible to find for the last few years (and believe me, I've looked) but I just discovered that it's going to be released in May of 2008. Here's the link in case you're a nerd too.

New Word Monday

2007-12-11T02:28:00.001-05:00

Here's my new favorite word:

hemidemisemiquaver

is the British or "classical" word for 64th note. I guessed but I got it right.

I like the word but could take or leave the definition. I'm going to pretend the real definition is "nervous indecision."

"George, stop hemidemisemiquavering and make up your mind!"

Two for One

2007-12-06T22:05:00.001-05:00

I'm still at work.

Before he left, one of my co-workers stapled my tissues to the inside of the tissue box. He did this in such a way that you cannot see the staples. When somebody comes to my desk for a tissue they are going to pick up the whole box. I think this will be pretty funny.

My nose is running.

Dilemma.

Anna Adams is an asshole

2007-12-06T21:34:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, I had the following gchat conversation with Anna Adams -

Anna: dude
me: yeah?
Anna: two weeks since your last blog post
me: sorry
Anna: c'mon

I took that "c'mon" to be the hostile kind. Since encouragement thinly disguised as criticism is the only kind I'm comfortable with, I thought I'd go out of my way to write something. I came up with an adorable short story that was inspired by a painting of the most miserable woman ever painted. Boy, is it funny and also heartfelt with feeling. Last night, I posted it.

Well, you're never gonna see it. Because this morning I had the following gchat with Anna Adams -

me: happy?
Anna: kinda long for a blog post, don't ya think?
me: oh wow. bitch.

DELETED.

Boy, there's no pleasing some people.

PSA (Personal Service Announcement)

2007-11-21T00:14:00.000-05:00

You should feel free to stop someone on the subway and comment on the book he/she is reading. Mention that you read it. Ask how it's going. Talk about the author's other work. That's neat. We are all one community. That's part of the fun of public transportation. And sharing a common language.

However -

You should not ever say the following when someone is twenty pages from finishing a book.

"Oh no. Don't finish that here. It's really sad. You'll cry in public. Everyone dies at the end."

Fuck you guy on the 1 train in a Crocodile Dundee Hat. Fuck you.

I live in the wrong city

2007-11-18T02:44:00.000-05:00

I don't say or think the above very often. But when it comes to opportunities related to historical re-enactments, I feel secure in saying that New York is not the best location on the eastern coast of the continental United States.

And now I hear about this - apparently annual - event in Philadelphia:

INDEPENDENCE LIVING HISTORY CENTER Third and Chestnut streets, 215-629-4026, www.onceuponanation.org. 1776 (1972, U.S., 180 min.) Sing along to this musical about the making of the Declaration of Independence! Fri. and Sun., June 29 and July 1, 7 p.m., $8-$12 includes a goody bag of props.

I can promise you that nothing - and I do mean nothing - will keep me from attending this year.

If you have not seen 1776...you should go do that right now. Unless you hate freedom. Old freedom, that is.

It's not me, it's astronomy (again)

2007-10-31T13:31:00.000-04:00

So, Mercury is in retrograde. Don't know what that means? Well, look it up yourself - I'm not your damn mom.

Fine. It's all about communication and technology breaking down.

So my cell phone is broken. It might or might not be related to that time when I spilled a water bottle in my bag. Also, this is why I would never, EVER, not buy a crappy, very basic phone. I can't have nice things.

Speaking of nice things I can't have - I think I just broke my iPod. It also might or might not be related to the above incident. Also, I just bought it one year and one month ago. Also, this is why I was afraid of buying an iPod. Because. I can't have nice things.

How bad is my iPod sitch? See for yourself. The following is the image I get whenenver I turn it on:

And it wouldn't be so bad if it didn't have a fucking face.

That doesn't make any sense...

2007-10-23T01:36:00.000-04:00

Jessica, Michael (= engaged! yay!) and I (= not engaged. whatevs.) went to Baskin-Robins on Sunday night before Asssscat. Because we're classy. Jealous? Deal with it.*

*That is from a TV show I don't watch but I think I should.

While we waited for someone to acknowledge the ice cream counter, I took a look at the Recommended Ice-Cream-Cake Book. Here's my favorite:

What the huh?

There is no way to bend the English language so that makes sense. There is a space on top so you can fill in a name. For example:

Billy Crudup Love's Me

or

Some Other Guy Love's Me

but those things still do not make sense. Now, I'm not the sharpest crayon on the tree but I had two future English teachers verify the impossibility of this cake. I feel pretty secure in my correctness.

I was going to steal the postcard of the cake but I did not do that. I couldn't handle the idea that the only thing I'd ever stolen would be a picture of a romantic cake. There are too many issues caught up in that, man (see: food=love?; dying alone).

PSA (Personal Service Announcement)

2007-10-18T02:32:00.000-04:00

Are you a tall person? Are you within two standard deviations of the national height average? Are you not very, really, very short? If you answered yes to at least one of these questions then this PSA is for you.
Hey you! Do you know how sometimes you're standing in the subway train? And you have that luxury of holding on to either the vertical bar or the horizontal bar above your head? That must be a nice feeling: choice. Well, not everyone has that freedom. Some of us are not tall enough to reach that horizontal bar. Some of us need the vertical bar. Without it, we must stretch uncomfortably in constant concern that our shirt is riding up in an unattractive way. Or we go bar-less and have to play the "I will pretend I am a tree. I can feel my roots stretching into the ground. I will not fall over. Don't fall over. Don't. fall. down" game. Yes, it's a real game. So please, if you find yourself on a crowded subway car, move away from the vertical bars. For every time that you don't, there's a short person who feels like this:

It's practically a livejournal

2007-10-12T16:57:00.001-04:00

On Wednesday, I bought the magazine which is pictured to the left of this text. You may ask why. You may think that it was because I really like brunch. You may be incorrect.

You are! Brunch is hideous. These are some of the things that I think of when I think of brunch: What do you mean you're going to make me wait to eat? What do you mean you're only going to feed me twice today? What do you mean this is supposed to be special? I hate brunch almost as much as I love diners. I was born in New Jersey so that is a lot.

No. I bought it because there is a little girl with a pink bow and big blue eyes sitting behind a stack of pancakes - and she is so excited about them. I bought it because the parts of me which are designed for mother-purposes have not yet shrivelled up from lack of use. Because until they do, something deep down in my ovulary area will respond to children and pancakes. (As long as it's at a reasonably early hour in the morning and leaves an acceptable amount of time to digest before a second meal.)

Love of food - check
Desperate need for a child - check
Creepy factor - check

This is my most revealing blog entry so far. I feel like you (oh elusive, made-up, not really there you) really know me now.

Columbus Day Weekend

2007-10-08T19:17:00.000-04:00

There once was a farm in Havre de Grace
Where writers could go and ideas they'd toss
Around in their heads
And sleep in warm beds
And remember that they are, in fact, human beings with a capacity for feeling, an appreciation for nature, and the ability to respond to a life that is immediate and real.

A friend of a friend (a Sarah of a Hannah) very kindly invited a few people to her family's farm in Maryland this weekend for a writers' retreat. There are no words to describe the loveliness of the weekend. I wrote the above limerick* in their guest book because if you can't think of something to write, it's always better when your dumb idea rhymes.

*almost

My favorite thing

2007-10-01T23:34:00.000-04:00

Robbie locked my scissors together with a combination lock. Let me tell you - this killed me when it happened today. I may be having trouble readjusting to the work place...